"...Esta cobardia de mi amor por ella
hace que la vea igual que una estrella,
tan lejos, tan lejos en la inmensidad
que no espero nunca poderla alcanzar..."
I am drunk, so I will go ahead and skip the bullshit and tell it, for once, just like it is.
I had Robin. Really, I did. And I might still have her if I had the balls to do away with my dignity, but my dignity won and I don’t have Robin anymore.
I had Ricardo, and the same thing happened, though in a different way.
Then I had Roy.
He is the song I never sang. His voice is like the beacon that leads you safely to the harbor in a storm. But his heart was never mine, and I cannot have a body whose heart I cannot hold. I cannot have a mind whose soul escapes me, and his soul will only ever be his. I am proud of him, for being so independent, so willing to be alone in a world that never will let him be.
I know why the caged bird sings.
It is the same song that Van Gogh sang once, to a whore in a strange town, in a language foreign both to him and to his heart. He was insane, which I think is mostly a good thing. Shakespeare wrote once of a man whose story this isn't, and said that it he was mad and that "pity 'tis 'tis true." I disagree...
An ear is not worth enough, and an earlobe is just a gesture. He can have mine whenever he wants—a pound of flesh, even, more if he wants, or less…
He can have my heart.
He could have my soul, but he rejected it. And now I wait for him who might deserve it.
But time goes by so slowly…
But time can't do too much...
and god—bless my heart—won’t do it despite my most desperate pleas...
More than anything, more than ANYTHING, all I want is for this hunger for nothing but that the hunger go away—to go away.
Peace! Wherefore art thou?
All I want is peace... a little peace—nothing but silence in the night... a starry, starry night—no longer full of sound and fury—
1 comment:
wow. i think you're confusing dignity with integrity my dear friend. how many times would you have encouraged me to stay after being disrespected? how many times did it take you to encourage/advise me to move on, when asked of course, what i should do when fermin cheated on me? yet, here i hear you speak of the first 'R' like you did something wrong. or, wait, maybe i pushed fermin into judith's arms because i was just so damn open/loving/real. keep telling yourself you were an asshole and deserved her to do what she did, and maybe you'll move on too one day.
yeah, how was it the same and different? that little dissertation about R #2 was shoddy compared to the one above it. Sorry, i love you, but wow. You are a better writer than i am, and look at what a disservice you did to that time period, that person in your life. c'monnn man.
i will now do r#3 a disservice.
sing it goddamit. quit being like me and whining about it and do it afraid.
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